Traitor
by My Sharpie Is Green
Summary: They thought he was the traitor, but he knows there are worse things he could be... RLxLExJP [T for thematic elements][ONESHOT]


**Just something I've had on the brain for a while and decided to write—a different take on the Potters' last moments and why Sirius arrived so soon after the murders. I don't own _Harry Potter,_ by the way.**

**.x. Traitor .x.**

He looked exactly like James, except for the eyes. He had Lily's eyes. He had heard those words spoken about Harry a million times, and yet he only had to take one glance at him to know that it was true. Harry was James' son more than anything—Remus knew that very well after only having spent a week at Hogwarts with him—but those subtle traces of passionate Lily Evans were visible as well if you knew what to look for, and it was these that haunted him from the moment he had seen Harry passed out on the floor. It was the shadow of pain that passed over his emerald eyes when he told him what he heard when the Dementors got too close that caused the guilt inside him to churn, because he had seen that shadow of pain before, and he was the only person left to remember why.

He had befriended her long before she would consent to give James the time of day (or at least pleasantly—there was always the chance that she would tell him while shouting at him), and though James could be jealous of their friendship at times, there were periods when he would come to his senses and ask him questions about Lily after one of their discussions. Oftentimes, he would simply tell James the central topic, afraid that Lily would stop speaking to him if James began to make comments about their conversations to her. That was his greatest fear after being discovered, as his conversations with Lily meant more to him that he believed anyone realized. As the years progressed, Remus began to fear more than simply missing a chance to speak with her—the knowledge that he would go a full day without seeing her increased his dread of the full moon and he grew listless and lax when he had to perform prefect duty without her by his side. He was slowly but surely falling in love with Lily Evans, but he never realized it until it was too late.

He should have known from the smile on his face that evening and the way he bounded across the Common Room doing back flips and cartwheels for everyone to admire, but he couldn't bring himself to believe it and so he had nonchalantly asked him what had happened. James began to scream, "She said yes! She finally said yes!", and Remus only faltered for a moment before putting on the same plastic smile he had worn his entire childhood and congratulating his mate, it suddenly dawning on him how stupid he had been not to realize it sooner.

Sitting in his office, he handed Harry a piece of chocolate after a Patronus lesson, thinking to himself about Lily and James' wedding. She had been beautiful and elegant that day, her hair pulled back into a graceful and simplistic French knot. She had beamed throughout the ceremony and reception, only crying during the recitation of their vows and their first dance as a married couple. He had smiled and laughed and cheered for them throughout the night, trying to ignore the sudden emptiness. He remembered the evening vividly—everything from the colors of the sunset that framed the couple as they slid rings on each others' fingers to the almost mournful whine of the violin during his only dance with her was as clear as if he had been transported back to that time and place when things had been better, even if they hadn't been good. He could recall every detail of that sad day, but that wasn't the saddest or sharpest memory he held.

He could still hear Harry telling him what the voices of his parents had said in the moments before they died, and to hear it pained him all the more. Even after everything that night, James had willingly run ahead, giving Lily and Harry time to hide… The tale of the Potters' deaths is more tragic than anyone would guess, and he's the only one left to remember it. He's the only living person remaining to recall the details of a brisk October afternoon that he'll never share, and he's the only one who knows that there are worse things than being thought a traitor.

It was nine o'clock at night on Halloween, 1980. He had stopped by his friends' home in Godric's Hollow for a drink and to have a good chuckle at Muggle witch and wizard costumes, as was becoming their yearly custom. Sirius had told James that he would be a bit late, but that he would come as soon as he could, and James had smiled and said that it was alright, but Remus could sense the uneasiness in the agreement. It was delicately understood by the companions that each meeting could be their last and that five minutes could make all the difference in the world. It was because of this that Remus had arrived early to the quaint cottage, which Lily had decorated with warm colors to offset the family's dark and panicked mood. Lily had greeted him at the door and warmly ushered him in, her cheeks flushed and her hair a mess, but her eyes twinkling happily all the same. Remus knew that she lived for these few moments she could spend with her friends.

He had thanked her as she took his coat and he asked her where her boys were. She responded that James had wanted to take Harry out trick-or-treated for just a little while—she said that he had wanted Harry to be able to enjoy himself from time to time. She said that James called their home a prison—a bright and cheery prison, but a prison all the same. He had just been wondering if James could possibly comprehend how lucky he was to be able to spend all of his time with Lily Evans (or Lily Potter, a name he could never quite bring himself to call her) when Lily asked him if he was alright. He sighed and said no, and began to make the biggest mistake of his life. He let every emotion that he had ever felt towards her pour out of his mouth like running water from a stream, and when it was over, he could see by the look in his eyes that had been foolish to think that he had had anything to gain from it. She said his name softly and sympathetically, but it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Grasping at straws, he leaned forward and kissed her softly, placing a hand on her soft shoulder. She froze and so did he, and they stood there, suspended in motion there for a moment before Remus pulled away and turned to leave. Even then, however, it wasn't until he saw James standing in the doorway that everything began to unravel.

He looked from Remus to Lily and back to Remus, a silent and confused Harry perched on his shoulders dressed in a lion costume and carrying a small bag of candy in his tiny hand. James left the room without a word, opening the door that Remus knew led to Harry's nursery and closing the door behind him, reappearing a few moments later. He knew that the best thing to do was plead innocence, a kiss meant for Lily's cheek that caught her by surprise, but he also knew that his panicked expression had betrayed him. He stood there, feeling his skin turn to paste at the heat of James' glare, knowing that he deserved every degree of it.

"James—"

"Out," he said hoarsely. Remus stood, fixed to where he was standing. "OUT! Get out of my house!" He started towards Remus in a jealous rage, and Remus began to run, fearful of his friend. The sound of James and Lily's raised voices made him shudder as if someone had run their fingernails down a chalkboard, but there was nothing he could do. James would kill him out of jealousy if he stayed. As he bolted out the door, he failed to see the dark-cloaked figure advancing from the same direction he was headed. It was only five minutes after he apparated into his dark flat, breathing heavily and deeply concerned, that James and Lily lost their lives, and only fifteen until Sirius arrived at the site of the wreckage.

For twelve years, he had lived with the knowledge that he had torn apart a marriage that would end in anguish only minutes later. Now, after hearing Harry's words, he still wasn't sure what they meant. Surely James had still loved Lily, but Remus sometimes wondered if James had run into Voldemort's hands to buy her time or because he thought that it might just be better to die.

And now, as he sat at his desk sharing a Honeydukes chocolate bar with their only son, he knew better than ever that there were worse things to be than a traitor.


End file.
